9 months and the beginning and conclusion of nearly everything.

This week, marks my last official month of pregnancy. It also marks the conclusion of everything I have invested in, laboured over and loved (and hated) for the past three (nearly four) years of my life. When Jared and I moved out to California, initially it was to be a three year commitment, I had applied and been accepted into Graduate School to study Community Counseling with a specialty in Marriage & Family Therapy, and I was excited to pursue educational advancement and distract myself from the reality of living in the USA. 

 The first year in the program (in the country) was hard, not academically (in fact school in California was never academically challenging) but emotionally it was brutal. Being so far from home and culturally so subversive, I lost my capacity to avoid making mistakes unintentionally! I felt like I was drowning and all people could tell me was that I would eventually come to like drowning - if I gave it a chance. Starting work helped a lot, I started to learn the nuances of social interaction and stopped answering the questions that weren't being asked (valley girl vocal pitching and intonation are fascinating). I slowly adapted to my new life... very slowly with the help and support of dear and precious friends. 

School was great, I loved working part time with the teens in the residential group home. Life improved all around! I got the opportunity to give the keynote speech at the Relief Society Stake Women's day, on self-esteem, body image, myths of beauty and personality testing. I felt myself slowly understanding people more fully, feeling more comfortable and less agoraphobic! So by the time summer came, I was ready to let my hair down and enjoy life again....

After eight weeks at home (delightful) Jared was well and truly ready to have me home and we took a short break in Las Vegas... which is the trashiest place I've ever been and I won't be returning! But any time with my husband is good time, so a wonderful summer and back to school and work!

 

 I loved my second semester, I met some incredible people, loved my classes and finally felt purposeful and engaged. School was great, I loved working part time with the teens in the residential group home and when the opportunity arose to work full time, I took it! Unfortunately, this meant a crazy schedule, working 48 hours a week, being in school 25 hours a week, reading, essays and a new experience... practicum! I started my practicum counseling and just loved it - though the process notes KICKED MY BUTT! Every week listening to every session, and laboriously typing out the interaction, interpretation and counter-transference issues. Blech! By summer I was ready to go wild... I knew I would be returning to a new job, as Jared & I had made the decision to become "house parents" at my work and run a satellite group home for six teenage girls. 

I had a lovely time visiting with friends, spending time with family and enjoying the cool Scottish weather!!!

 Of course, there was another big event, Kathryn and Aidan became an official couple and were absolutely besotted with each other! Another momentous occasion was my trip to HARRY POTTER WORLD!!! 

We moved into the Orchard house three days after returning to California. I was in my last year of school, writing my thesis and learning how to manage my life being so very public! With six teenage girls working 64 hours per week, serving in the Relief Society Presidency, full-time class schedule (25 hours) and a new internship position counseling 12 clients (20 hours) I had just 4 hours in the week when I was not acting in a professional or academic capacity and these were spent completing my thesis! What an experience in time management, I learned that you can do nearly anything though some days it felt like everything! 

Fortunately I loved and believed in everything I was doing. I felt confident (some days) and woefully inadequate and I cried at least every other day! Finally at Christmas - my thesis was complete and the worst of the crises and adjustments were over!

The next few months were very hard, I had horrid experiences at school which became a hostile environment and the months writing till four or five in the morning only to start again at 6:30am were catching up on me. Still, the hardest part of that year, was the transition of my borrowed bambinos back to their families!

But... Jared started a new job, which he loved almost instantly despite the continuing and ridiculous commute and, I did graduate! The completion of my degree was a huge relief and freed up my life in a way I can't quite describe. The day itself was a disaster, poured rain - the like of which I had never seen, but I was and will always be a Graduate :)

And so, graduating, saying goodbye to bambinos, lots of things were ending, but as it turns out a lot of things were beginning and continuing as the spring passed into summer. Jared surprised me with a wonderful break away to Monterey, which has always been a special place for us, and we had an incredible time together.

So June became July and I/we adapted to life with a new group of girls at the Orchard house and I looked forward to a summer holiday... home to the UK. Oh what plans I had, it was going to make up for the whole year that I had been unable to leave and missed out on so much at home! I began to look into Doctoral programs and fill out application forms, I continued on at my internship and found space in my life for some new developments too!

I saw my first Independence Day firework show, and started to take my personal fitness seriously. I started running, went to the gym, cooked lovely meals and was excited for my upcoming holiday home. But despite all this lovely time I had, I started to feel pretty tired... all that exercise was tiring me out and I was ready for a holiday!

Day Two of my holiday home:

Yup! Two pink lines. I spent the rest of my holiday crying, sleeping and trying to adjust to the idea that I was going to be a mother, the single most terrifying prospect I can imagine. Fortunately two years of loving and nurturing other people's children had at least left me with the realisation that I was capable of fixing broken children, (so to speak) and so raising healthy ones should be at least theoretically achievable.

Fortunately once again, the support and love of treasured friends and family buoyed me up and sent me back to the fray with the notion that success was possible.

So, back to work, feeling a little fragile and hell literally unleashed, our new group had misbehaved terribly while we'd been gone, and just two days later one of our number left us during the night. The months that followed were hell, our house was packed with girls who were high risk, poorly behaved and ill disposed to improve. From August to December, I wanted nothing more than to leave work, and yet in those months I learned so much about myself and grew more than I had since the process of saying goodbye to my beloved little monsters had ripped open my heart and forced me to work on "my stuff".

I was fearful for a lot of this time, fearful that I would grow to love something that would be taken from me. I didn't want to feel too much or be too excited just in case there were complications in my pregnancy. I didn't want to open myself up to the possibility of devastation. All that said, when I went for my first ultrasound, ambivalent as I was, when I saw that tiny bundle of cells growing and moving inside me, I knew it was a losing battle. Yet, it was one I was prepared to lose slowly!

Daring to give our baby a name... and tell people (slowly) was achieved only as a result of the blessing I received from my dad just minutes after I discovered I was pregnant. Heavenly Father had promised not to take her from me and I had to trust that. The stress at work was ridiculous and I was sleeping most of the day away just to cope with the emotional and physical excursion required at night.

The one highlight was seeing our girls again, in November Jared and I took a trip to Disneyland to meet up with our graduated bambinos and it was incredible. I remembered for the first time in five months that I had truly loved my job, I had loved it... I hadn't even thought of it as a job. We told our bambinos about "Bridget" for that she had been named since my first ultrasound and I realised in those moments how much "Bridget Peanut" had come to mean to me, how much I wanted her, how protective I felt of this little bundle of cells (who was already 5 months old).

While one area of my life felt as though it had gone to the dogs, growing within me was another experience which gave meaning and purpose to an otherwise futile feeling existence. Bridget was in so many ways for me the embodiment of hope, that though I found myself in the depth of my winter professionally and consequently in my home "that within me there lay an invincible summer". So no matter how vile, how difficult or ridiculously dramatic my life at home became with the monsterous children (and mentally they were children) I knew that within me, lay something so precious, and so wanted: my secretly adored baby girl.

A secret she was, I struggled so hard thinking about sharing my pregnancy with the girls living with us. They weren't "mine" in the way I had felt about our last group, they had chosen not to be in many cases, and yet I worried so abundantly and frequently about their welfare, about their progression and future that I felt guilty for having something of my own. So much of my life had been shared, my time, my talents, my emotions, my thoughts (sometimes), my husband and my relationship, my pets, my possessions, my personal space, my church, my family, my friends - everything had become so communal, that sharing Bridget, was incredibly hard. It was hard to know that it was okay to have something of my own, something I had chosen after my commitment to the girls I cared for. I felt as though I was betraying them, and while I didn't want to abandon anyone, as the weeks and months passed it became so clear where my loyalty lay. When we made the decision to tell the girls in our house, it was after intensive personal work to understand and accept my own fears and to tolerate the discomfort it would evoke in others.

The balance tipped for me when Jared came to my 20 week ultrasound appointment, Jared felt strongly that Bridget might have to be Brian, being of the male persuasion! However, I knew I wanted a baby girl, I was so desperately scared that Brian wouldn't be the same as the Bridget I had begun to bond with! So, when the ultrasound tech finally said - "you're having a baby girl", Jared swears blind I squealed with excitement. I'm not sure about the squealing, but the tears were real enough. As the weeks progressed I became fearful again, the techs were having a difficult time getting the sonograms of Bridget's heart, and after three ultrasounds we finally got the all clear!

Once the ultrasound tech took all the measurements and videos etc, she let me go to the bathroom - and as soon as Bridget was no longer squished by my bladder she went right back down to her usual spot, and stretched out, waving and clapping her hands before curling up and returning to her characteristic non-cooperative stance! Right as we were finishing up the ultra-sound tech started to take the wand off my tummy - and Bridget put her hand up and was waving goodbye... a complete co-incidence you understand - probably just fed up of being squished and poked and was having a stretch with limited motor coordination - but a lovely happenstance all the same. The ultrasound tech managed to rewind a couple of frames on the machine and print a pretty fuzzy picture of what was a pretty incredible view of Bridget's little hand. Quite appropriate being that I wouldn't see her again for many months! It was just the experience I needed to remind me that the precious little girl I was growing to love was the result of loving choice and deliberate acts which brought her into being, and I had no right to feel guilty for something so wonderful.

Jared started his new job just shortly after telling our girls about Bridget, it was a difficult and such an easy decision to make. Jared was offered a job in Redding, CA - three hours north which would require him to be gone Tuesday - Friday each week. It also made our existing plan of returning to the UK in August 2012 look far less likely, which was difficult to conceptualise for me. Having a baby away from home had never been part of my plan, I hated being away from my family when I was a child and I was so sure I would never do that to my family or my child. Yet, here we were, contemplating sharing our child with a house full of teenagers and trapped by lack of holiday/vacation time.

In December Jared and I managed to go home to the UK for Christmas, and it was just delightful! This break away together made several realizations possible: firstly, I realised that we weren't moving back to the UK that year, secondly, I realised that Jared needed the time in Redding and it was the right choice for him and therefore the right choice for our family. Christmas was lovely, all planning aside, I saw friends, family, ate good food, laughed, laughed so much and received so many beautiful thoughts, wishes and presents for Bridget! 

I walked on the beach everyday and had time to share in the excitement of others similarly anticipating Bridget's arrival! We celebrated the New Year of 2012 in which Bridget would join our family with fireworks, the last of which I saw preceded pregnancy!

Returning to the US & work after being home was less than pleasant - and complicated by the fact that our housing situation had become stressful as the house we had thought we would rent in Redding had fallen through just two months before our expected departure for maternity leave. To say I was stressed, was an understatement of magnificent proportion! I felt as though I wanted to run away- I didn't want to be at work any longer, I struggled to want to talk to anyone and felt withholding of my heart, and angry when people tried to coax me into conversation! Jared was gone all week every week and I just felt as though I wanted to be a hermit and curl up in bed and never speak again.

Fortunately, I have some very inspired and beautiful people in my life and a Heavenly Father who is truly willing to give me a couple of shots at getting the lessons I need!

I really felt humbled by the experience of finding somewhere to live, and found my new year's resolution at last - which can be concisely phrased "Faith not Fear". After missing out so many times for silly or non-existant reasons in the housing game, I started to lose hope all together. Jared was pushing to view a house he'd been approached about in a restaurant. I was very vocal about how crazy this landlord's approach was to interrupt Jared in a restaurant and offer a place to live as a stranger who just happened to be eating lunch in the same place! My incredulity that Jared would actually go and see a property that wasn't even listed and located in "the middle of nowhere" was clear and I felt antagonistic about even discussing the possibility of moving into this property.
 

All the time I was stressed and upset about not having a plan for somewhere to live and praying that we'd find somewhere - I had completely allowed my fear - to overcome my faith. I had involved Heavenly Father and was expressing my fear and concern, asking to know where we should look and to know which would be right - yet I didn't turn the fear over to him, not at all. It wasn't until Joanna said to me "Caroline it's obviously a sign" when the landlord approached Jared and we lost out on the property over Christmas. I felt so humbled by her faith that Heavenly Father was watching out for us and in following the prompting that we had received when asking if Jared should take the job in Redding that he would provide a way for us to settle and accomplish our goals. Throughout Christmas and New Year the quote from Signs was running through my head, over and over:

"People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation is a fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"

So when relating the story of the "crazy lady" offering to rent to Jared in restaurant, Joanna said "it's a sign" - that word "sign" just penetrated me, I just thought wow, what am I missing? Yet, I didn't pray about that house at that point, I still felt suspicious and awkward about it. I still felt scared. I've thought a lot about which group I'm in, and the infinite power of hope. As the week progressed, I kept thinking about D&C 9:

 6 Do not murmur, my son, for it is wisdom in me that I have dealt with you after this manner.
 7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
 8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
 9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

the passage is one of my favourites, but it really had special meaning to me when I read it again thinking about what kind of person I am - one who sees miracles, who sees signs - one who experiences hope. Or whether I will allow my life to be filled with fear and believe that I am alone.

We came to the point where we were offered one of the houses we'd viewed - and I knew we needed to pray about it. As I prayed I was pretty sure we should just accept the house and move on, yet I felt so calm when I prayed that we should pursue the "crazy" house with the "crazy" lady who randomly offers strangers a place to live in restaurants. We called her and told her we'd received an offer but if we could sign an agreement with her within the day we wanted to rent from her. We did and we moved in the first week of February - with four weeks before maternity leave!

I truly experienced a change of heart during that prayer, from antagonism and resistance to openness and a conviction that "this is the place". Now came the part when I recognised Heavenly Father's hand wholly and totally in the process. When I met the landlord we chatted for about an hour and she said "you know I spent 20 minutes in my car trying to talk myself out of the feeling that I should go back into the restaurant and approach Jared, I just kept saying to myself - Carrie he'll think you're crazy, people don't do that"... then she proceeded to tell us how she said a prayer in the car and called her mother and asked her to pray for her to be able to follow through on the prompting to talk to Jared. 

As she related the story - I felt my heart burn and knew that Heavenly Father had heard my prayers, that he had prepared a way, that he had comforted my heart and I - I had missed it all until the last hurdle because I wouldn't give up my fear and control of the situation. My pride had totally overcome my capacity to see signs and witness the miracle that Heavenly Father performed for me. I had murmured - just to make sure Heavenly Father noticed my situation, and yet just as it was for Oliver Cowdery - it was wisdom in the Lord that he dealt with me after this manner. It was right that we missed out on each opportunity despite doing everything we could... because I had not understood and took no thought save it was to ask. I had not done my part spiritually in turning over the fear - rendering to Satan what was his all along! Here's the irony - during the course of conversation, I was telling Carrie (our landlord) that Aidan would soon be leaving on a mission for our church, when she asked which church we quickly found out that the Bishop of our new ward ---> is her brother-in-law and that all of her husband's family are members and make up a large proportion of our ward! So yes, Faith not Fear for 2012.

With that affirmation of FAITH not fear, we told our girls that we will not be returning to the Orchard house at the conclusion of our maternity leave. In the time from Christmas to February I became very attached to some of our girls, and will miss them on Monday when we leave FLC for the last time. Yet, it is with full conviction of heart that I know that we're supposed to be in Redding at this time in our lives, in this moment of our journey. I know we are, not because of the coincidences, not because this is the third time Jared was offered a job in Redding (by different companies) or even because we found a house in such an extraordinary way. I know because I feel that it's right when there is nothing rationally appealing to me about this move at all.

It's hot there - a good 10 - 15 *F hotter than the oven/sauna that is Penngrove! I have finally settled into our ward, made good friends, felt connected and happy and have a support network of people who would nurture and uplift me as I embark on the journey into motherhood. Once again, I feel as though I have everything I need, I have created a life of meaning and purpose - connected with others who share my vision and genuinely care for me... and it's time to go.

As I left my internship at the CCC this week I recognised the growth I have made as a therapist. I recognised the growth I made through the more difficult experiences I had in Graduate school and I am intensely grateful for these experiences. I thought of those who have deeply impacted me in my life and given me gifts of knowledge, of compassion and of understanding. These are treasures to me.

 

As I concluded my time at FLC I had a similar experience, sharing so many wonderful times and recognising so much growth as a result of the relationships and experiences shared over the last 3 years

Finally, church, the girls at church threw me the most incredible baby shower. I had a wonderful time and beautiful experience sharing my excitement for Bridget's arrival with the women I have shared my life with over the last 3 1/2 years! I looked around the room and saw faces of people who I have served with, for and behalf of during my time in Petaluma. I saw the faces of friends from work, from church and from school who had gathered to shower me with their love and best wishes for my future happiness and success, and I felt so very fortunate and blessed.

Looking back over the last 9 months of my life, they have been amongst the most challenging, stressful, heart wrenching, beautiful, inspiring, humbling and blessed months of my experience. Know thyself - has new meaning to me as I have been confronted with some of my greatest fears and struggles and move on to a new adventure with my heart bursting with love and gratitude for the blessing that truly is A WONDERFUL LIFE. 

So, this is me, at 9 months concluding so many things and yet recognising that 'this is only the beginning'. If I had not left Aberdeen though I would never have chosen it alone, I would not have attended Graduate School, I would not have learned and grown and been stretched and pummeled. I would not have found peace with myself and found friendship in new and diverse spaces of my life. I would not have come to FLC, would not have experienced love, joy, compassion and equanimity in the lives of the girls who have allowed Jared and I to love them as our own. I would not have found my place and seen the consequences of my faults as I have in Petaluma ward, I would have remained lazy and dependent and felt justified in my vices. 

So, as I embark on a new journey, I do so with hope - hope that I will embrace this new adventure as I have never chosen to do so in my life before, I have always been hesitant, resistant to change, distrusting of others and resentful of my "losses". And yet, what have I lost as I have moved and situations changed? My best friend though I see her but once per year is just as dear and precious to me, my sisters are just as beautiful and cherished, my family just as treasured and missed.... the chocolate continues to be a problem, but root beer has it's advantages. And I have gained knowledge, insight, education, experience, new friends who I cherish and love dearly and deeply. So much of my life has been lost and squandered in fear, desperately holding on to what I thought I could control, what I thought I could claim as my own, what I could jealously and selfishly hold back from changing that I might never lose anything and yet, it's the fools talent, buried in the earth without opportunity for pleasure or progression.

So in short, what I have learned from the challenges and blessings and knowledge I have gained in the last four years? It is this, the ones we love - never truly leave us. 

To love is to be vulnerable to risk losing everything that is precious and beloved, but what is life without it? To give permission to myself to be vulnerable to love and maybe lose, to be seen and maybe judged, to be honest and maybe despised, and in the process feel the penetrating embrace that comes from knowing that the vulnerable child inside actually is wanted and worthy of love. 

C.S. Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

 

And so you understand, life is good, it is indeed a wonderful life which I intend most fervently to fill with unforgiving minutes of distance run - for mine is the Earth and all that is in it - and what's more, I'll be "a man my son".