So this week I have endured a certain amount of internal and external examination. Monday marked the beginning of our new life, the close of our time at Family Life Center and the celebration of the conclusion of my three year journey. My boss picked me up for a "Farewell breakfast" and we chatted and laughed about the crazy experiences and moments we'd shared over the last three years. A very informal and delightful morning enjoyed I thought I'd be heading home for some packing and cleaning before our big move. Little did I know that there was far more in store for me in the hours to come!
I was invited to say goodbye to the girls all of whom had been assembled in the room we use for group process/ therapy. After a few minutes of farewell dialogue my dear friend (and boss) Amy presented me with the Family Life Center Pyramid. I don't think I have ever been quite so shocked! This crystal pyramid is given to girls who complete the Family Life Center program, graduating at Phase V which marks the completion of a tremendous amount of personal therapeutic work! I have never seen it awarded to a staff member before, and a little bit of inquiry later revealed that it hasn't been! I was so very touched and honoured to have my personal work celebrated in such a fitting and significant way. When asked to talk about what the experience meant to me - all I could really think of was how honoured I felt and how precious these years of my life have been. Difficult, trying, overwhelming, lonely and very very public but wonderful stretching years in which I felt transformed from a Wendy Darling to a Nanny McPhee.
In our first month as House parents Jared and I took our girls to see the 360* production of Peter Pan in San Francisco - it was a hugely stressful trip with my need to stick to a schedule that wasn't working and my inability to be flexible and adapt to the challenges faced. While watching the production (which was absolutely wonderful) I realised watching Wendy Darling that I felt very much in her shoes with my own band of "lost girls". I was scarcely old enough to be their sister never mind a mother figure and yet that was the role required of me. Examining Wendy's attempts at mothering revealed a terribly impulsive act (in running away with Peter Pan) and significant reactivity in her approach to situations faced. Poor Wendy didn't really have a great deal of intentionality or insight into her behaviours and followed more or less rote the lessons such had integrated from her own "nana" who appropriately was a very well meaning but of the canine variety.
About six months later, the girls and I watched Nanny McPhee - one of my favourite films, and I realised that in that short time, (which was a time of immense growth for me) I had made my own transition from Wendy Darling to Nanny McPhee. Nanny McPhee clearly saw the end from the beginning for each of her young charges and did all things with purpose and intentionality for the greater good outcome of each child. Knowing the lessons which each individual child needed to learn, she provided opportunities to face challenges and fears and grow in confidence and experience. This realization was one which helped me enormously as my lost girls were lost no more and returned to their families. Over and over I have thought of the words uttered by Nanny McPhee "when you need me, but do not want me, I will stay, when you want me but no longer need me I must go".
The truly beautiful part of this process is watching again the slow changes which transform Nanny McPhee from a haggered, grisly and formidable looking old woman, to a beautiful and enchanted angel in white, free of her warts and boils and unplucked eyebrows. I often think about this process of adopting the visibly ugly exterior each time she would arrive at a new family and her own confidence and acceptance of the road which needed to be walked and the lessons which need to be taught, as neither appearance defined her. Irrespective of the outward visage, Nanny McPhee was constant in her care, in her convictions and in her commitment to achieving worthy goals.
As I thought about what the pyramid meant to me, I realised that the Pyramid was actually upside down for me. Living with fear and anxiety in my life, trying never to make a mistake unintentionally, and allowing myself to be confined to what I knew I could achieve had placed me at a precipice which was unsteady, unyielding and very frightening. My rigidity, lack of confidence to try new experiences or embrace change brought me a great deal of sorrow as so many changes were occurring in my life through necessity as I mothered six teenage girls, grew as a student and therapist and served in the Relief Society presidency.
The deep grooves in the pyramid felt like sores at the time, deep open wounds which were so publicly displayed and discussed. The base of the pyramid represents for me the greater space in my life which maps out a vastness of possibilities, openness to new experiences and embracing change as a necessary part of my life. The base of the pyramid is stable, steady and can be placed in balance on any surface without significant negotiation. As I embark on a new chapter of my life - balance, stability and resilience will undoubtedly be required. I have the opportunity now to use the skills and insight developed to remain grounded and steady as a woman, as a wife and as a mother.
What a lovely way to start the week, moving to a new home, essentially a new life and feeling so loved and appreciated. Needless to say, it is impossible to live in this place permanently and meeting my new OBGYN definitely aided in testing the true integration of my skills.
As it turned out, while I turned up with some excitement to meet my new doctor, we didn't exactly start off on a good foot! The records I had brought from my previous health care providers were incomplete and included another patient's file, the doctor was very frustrated that I was coming to her "so late" (36 weeks) and the difficulty experienced in examining me without syncope definitely didn't help!
By the end of my 15 minute appointment she'd scared me half to death and when she left I just sat in the chair crying my eyes out. How was it possible that I had worked so hard for everything to run smoothly, I'd sent all my paperwork ahead of time in the mail, I'd obtained copies of my medical records just in case they hadn't been faxed, I informed the doctor immediately of my current challenges in staying conscious when lying down... all to no avail, she still didn't like me, we were totally unprepared for one another and I was crying again!
As I thought about these things and how "unfair" it was, I realised that once again my need to "do the right thing" and perform my part (and anyone elses) perfectly was getting in the way of being realistic and happy. Once again I'm pushing the river, trying to control the outcome, trying to force my will into fruition. Submitting my will is the hardest thing for me, it involves swallowing the pride that I can do it alone, that I can make it happen, that I am the master of my own destiny.
Tomorrow I go back to the doctor and although her sardonic question "and how then do you expect me to examine you?" is still ringing in my ears, my external response "carefully!" will remain the same, but my internal response can be one of gentleness towards myself and others. So my challenge for tomorrow is to embody the five lessons of Nanny McPhee: obedience, courtesy, work, listening, and lastly, faith, and the bravery to act upon it.
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