Full of Awesome!

"There was a time when you were five years old,

and you woke up full of awesome.

You knew you were awesome.

 You loved yourself.

You thought you were beautiful,

even with missing teeth and messy hair and mismatched socks inside your grubby sneakers.

You loved your body, and the things it could do.

You thought you were strong.

You knew you were smart.

  

Do you still have it?

The awesome.

Did someone take it from you?

Did you let them?

Did you hand it over, because someone told you weren’t beautiful enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough?

Why the hell would you listen to them?

Did you consider they might be full of shit?

Wouldn’t that be nuts, to tell my little girl below that in another five or ten years she might hate herself because she doesn’t look like a starving and Photoshopped fashion model?

Or even more bizarre, that she should be sexy over smart, beautiful over bold?

Are you freaking kidding me?

Look at her. She is full of awesome.

You were, once. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are in the process of getting it back.

All I know is that if you aren’t waking up feeling like this about yourself, you are really missing out."

I heard that for the first time today at the Eating Disorder Conference I attended, and despite the 8 continuous hours of trauma discussed, that is what made me cry! There is so much that pulls at your heart strings working in this field, so much that challenges and frustrates, until you remember that there's a little girl inside who has lost her awesome, she had it once hopefully, but shame has eroded the joy of bodily experience.

When I saw this image, of a toddler standing on the scales, it was horrifying to think that though we're supposed to think - how cute... copying Mummy, there is nothing endearing about this image at all.                                                   

The multi-generational transmission of body image, self esteem and eating disordered issues is a legacy we each have to contend with and hopefully say as Harry S Truman popularized the expression- "the buck stops here". Can we be ground zero for our family history of self abuse? What would that take? Are we fit for the task?
In my late teens I thought I invented the idea of "fat brain" a label I chose to group together the cognitive distortions and negative self talk which perpetuates shame based body image and disordered eating patterns. Like every other intelligent thing I've thought - I didn't invent it - "fat brain" may have been my word, but, it certainly wasn't my idea!

There are moments in life, just brief seconds really, when you know, really know what is important. Know what you'd give everything for, day after day, not just what you'd die for, but what you'd live for, how brave you could be, how strong and committed, and how purposeful you could live life to make sure that little light you see in the naughty, minxy, full of joy face of your child isn't extinguished. That the genuine awe that you witness in your child's experience of life inside a body, touching, tasting, hearing, seeing, feeling the world - could be preserved, protected and nurtured.
After a day of information overload, there is so much of the incredible and mind-blowing to share - and I will, if for no other good, but to record my own awe at the process of becoming a person, a healthy whole person full of joy and hope in a world that demands just the reverse. I feel tonight like Wednesday's child with "far to go" as I look at paths ahead... and yet - that minxy face just cannot be snuffed out, it is too painful a thought.

I remember the first time I read this quote by Marianne Williamson, in which she postulates that we fear our power, our greatness that we shrink from our own glorious and unique selves from fear of diminishing others. I remember thinking - WOW - YES- WOW, I feel like I can't talk about the things that really interest me, or the way that really makes me feel because - it's not okay to be smart, it's not okay to be comfortable with these enormous knees and it's not okay to be satisfied with my relationships or feel pride in my achievements. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-- Marianne Williamson

I have found myself playing down the cuteness, the achievements, the adorableness of my child in public, not wishing to be seen to be proud or arrogant, not wishing to let slip the adoration and wonder I feel. I saw a quote on pinterest - it said:

“It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” -L.R. Knost

I certainly want that to be true, there will be enough voices to disparage, to diminish, to shame, to snuff out - that light and joy that I adore, that gives me so much pleasure to be witness to. So, the message here is, if you thought I was insufferable before... that was mummyhoag1.0, just wait for the upgrade! haha.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. - Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".

In every pursuit I undertake, every ideology I subscribe myself to, or intentional course I choose in life I am striving to choose faith and let go of fear. To make decisions from a place of emotional freedom and rehearse the words of the hymn 'God Speed the Right - "If we fail - we fail with glory". I hope not to fail, but what a worthy pursuit to work out my life in failing at if that is what happens. I love the words of Theodore Roosevelt when he said:

"The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly; who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spend themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best, know the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if they fail, fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

I hope to know victory!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt